Thursday, August 9, 2012

Do you want fries with that? Burger Topped Cupcakes!

Wanna know how to make me cry my weight in tears? Keep reading.

A few weeks ago, I went to see a Naturopath. I haven't been feeling as good as I should be for quite sometime, even with all the exercise and fresh air I've been getting. I also don't sleep very well, so this was my excuse for why I'm not feeling super awesome. Sleep = Rejuvenation.

It's frustrating, because I've always been a pretty healthy and energetic person, but for some reason my body and mind have been fist fighting the past few years. And I had no idea why.

Until now.

What has two perfectly manicured thumbs and a full on dairy allergy?

This gal.

Nope, there is nothing wrong with yo eyes. You read this right. Full. On. Dairy. Allergy.

Milk, butter, cream, all cheeses; if it's got cow's milk in it, I'm to run for the hills like I'm on fire. Apparently, my body has been launching a full on war against it without my acknowledgement or consent, thus creating havoc on my system over the past few years. And here's me, blaming childbearing for all the changes my body has incurred. Oops.

When the Naturopath read me my test results, I would not have been more surprised or shocked if a unicorn wearing high heels and a set of pearls walked into the office and threw up rainbows in the shapes of hearts than I was at that moment.

When I flatly refused to accept it and told her the tests must be wrong, she asked me a series of questions that most dairy challenged folk would easily fail. When I couldn't deny the symptoms, I graciously raised the proverbial white flag and submitted to my fate. It was at that moment a single tear beaded down my cheek, like a bad 80s music video.

Oh, but I'm not done ladies and gentleman.

It turns out that I also have a small gluten intolerance to most grains, including the ancient, totally-good-for-you ones. Not as bad as the Mister, but I now have it. Apparently, 42% of the North American population have a gluten intolerance and just don't know it. I'm also apparently intolerant to cherries, (seriously?) grapes (what?), watermelon (You've GOT to be kidding me, right?), oranges, cucumbers,  onions, and garlic and brown rice and rice bran....this is ridiculous. If I can't have rice, what DO I eat? Great.

'Oh, sorry love, no cookies and milk for me, thank you. I'll just gnaw on some tree bark and coconut water.' Super fun.

So what do I do now?

Keep calm and do what I've been doing. Except not eat any of it. Yeah, good luck with that.

Sucks. Sucks. SUCKS!

Anyway, I retaliated and made these lush-full-o'-dairy-and-gluten cupcakes for a BBQ we were invited to. I'm not about to punish the rest of society for my faulty system. I figured that our friends should benefit from my baking. 

I mean, at least someone is. 


For the burgers:

1 cup shredded coconut
1 tub of white ready made icing (or you can use your own) 
1 package chocolate mint cookies, such as Keebler Grasshopper, Girl Scouts Thin Mints, or a store brand, such as Great Value
1 box vanilla cookies, such as Nilla wafers
1 cup sesame seeds
Agave nectar or honey
Red, yellow, and green food coloring

For the cupcakes:

1 box of yellow cake mix
4 large eggs, at room temperature
½ cup unsalted butter, melted
1 cup whole milk

For the vanilla buttercream frosting:

1 cup unsalted butter
4 cups powdered sugar
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract or vanilla bean paste 
¼ cup heavy cream

To make hamburgers:

In two small bowls, mix about a ½ cup frosting in one and a ½ cup in another, along with a few drops of red and yellow food coloring and blend until you get 'ketchup' and 'mustard'.

In a small ziploc bag, place coconut along with a few drops of green food coloring. Mash together until all pieces are tinted green. This is for the 'lettuce'. Pour into a small bowl. Place sesame seeds in a bowl for easier dipping. 

Lay out vanilla cookies in a row. On the top of each cookie, place a dot of honey or agave nectar. Smooth over with finger until the top of cookie is coated. Dip cookie into sesame seeds and dab until you get a nice coat of seeds. Allow to dry for a few minutes. 

On top of mint cookie, place a generous dollop of red or yellow frosting. Apply coconut to the top of that. On the underside of the seeded 'bun', place a dollop of frosting of the opposite color. This will ensure the 'lettuce', 'bun', and 'burger' all adhere well and give the effect of a burger. 

On the flat side of the bottom 'bun', place a generous dollop of red or yellow frosting. Finish off burger by sandwiching to the rest of the cookie. Apply slight pressure, but not too much or you'll end up with 'condiment' oozing out your burger. 

Allow to dry and set, at least several hours. Prepare and bake cupcakes, as well as frosting. Pipe buttercream onto cupcakes and place a burger on top. 

Yields: 24 burger topped cupcakes.

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